Published: Verve Man Supplement, Verve Magazine, October 2010

When talking about one of the most important things about a man, it’s important to find the right size

Just the other day, I was at an event filled with oodles of beautifully turned out heterosexual males. While I know there are enough women out there who love their men all brawn with wife-beaters and torn jeans sitting atop a truck chewing hay, there is something poetic about a man impeccably turned out. Besides the fact that it’s more likely that he bathes regularly, it shows that he cares about the way he appears – he thinks about the exact fit of his suit as much as I would care about the cut of my dress. He isn’t a dandy – he’s eye-candy. And baby, there is a world of difference.

So while I was checking out these Baskin-Robbins’ Men, I noticed their shapes. Each one was a different one. Some had it long, some slender, some stubby and short, some boxed in and some entirely non-existent. It bothered me. I mean is there a perfect size and shape? Should all men be made the same – or should there at least be an ounce of difference to tell them apart?

I tend to lean towards the long and slender, but sometimes it can be too thin, you know? As you hold it in your hand, it feels like a string or a ribbon. You want something substantial, that when you hold it, it begins to state its presence, or you can command it by pulling it (and the man) towards you. (Ouch!) They used to be plump and thick earlier – but with men’s bodies getting slimmer and more well maintained, it seems to have affected the size too. Nowadays all you see are skinny ones and believe you me, they get thinner by the season.

Those short knobby ones don’t work either, they show more than they hide – and who wants to know what lies beneath? Ideally, when in use, it should be the size of his hand – from finger to elbow. No, that’s not too big, you need a little something to go all the way. And in width, it should be at least half your middle finger extended. And that’s not too much to ask for. And horror of horrors, there really shouldn’t be any visible blemishes when on display – that just shows that you can’t keep your things clean!

You can tell a lot about a man with the way he handles it. How coarse or gentle, how he smoothens out the rough folds, whether he can manage his dimple. And if it occasionally curves to one side, he should be able to know how to work it for the best result. There’s nothing like a straight cylindrical shape. And ground rules – it should always be restrained. Kept loose and flapping around like it’s about to attack isn’t friendly – it’s just not the way of polite society. I’ve heard there are contraptions that help keep it under control nowadays.

And how loud you want it to be depends entirely upon your personality. Can you handle the repercussions? After all, the tie maketh the man, and not the other way around.