Tag Archives: Parenting

Many Indian Schools Post Photos of Kids on Public Accounts Without Parental Permission

05 Monday Nov 2018

Posted by in Features & Trends, Parenting, Publication: The Swaddle

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Published: The Swaddle, November 5, 2018.

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Cherubic kids with angelic smiles — feel-good photos like these make for free marketing fodder and glorious social media feeds. In India, educational organizations are not mandated to take permission — and most do not attempt to do so — before posting images of students on public platforms. In other parts of the world, it is considered best practice to do so; Webwise, the Irish Internet Safety Awareness Centre, outlines a policy that includes taking written consent from parents or carers before photographs of students are published anywhere. So, why aren’t Indian schools doing it?

“No one has ever asked to not have their child’s images posted,” says an administrator at a private Mumbai school that posts students’ photos on its public social media platforms and does not have an official consent process in place. “I don’t see any risks in posting on a school’s official Facebook or Instagram account or website. Names are never used,” says the administrator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “So, I don’t think there is any difference between a photo or seeing children out on a trip wearing a school uniform. All it does is say that the child is in a particular school. People seem proud to have their child identified with a school.” The administrator went on to compare the school’s posts to parents’ posts of children on their own accounts and YouTube channels.

The difference is, of course, that parents (in most cases) are children’s legal guardians. Yet most organizations share a similar reason for not seeking parental permission: parents, they say, are pleased to have their children showcased. Chhandam Nritya Bharati, a Kathak school in Mumbai and Kolkata, asks for permission from parents only if an image highlights a specific student, not while posting group photos and videos taken of the students during class or at a performance. Says Prachi Wagh, head of marketing for the school, about its public Facebook and Instagram accounts, “No individual names or pictures are highlighted or identified by us. Parents are on our social media lists and are aware of all social media activity.”

Hackberry Kids, a children’s educational organization, does ask for consent to post photos on their public Instagram and Facebook accounts — at the end of an email sent to the parents with other program information. “Most parents do not respond to the emails and seem to be fine with their kids’ images shared on social platforms. About 15 to 20% of the parents are not comfortable,” says co-founder, Anisha Parikh, of the school’s opt-out, rather than opt-in, policy. “In today’s digital world, parents are constantly posting images of their kids online. Each parent is entitled to decide if they want to share their child’s image and should be aware of the risks involved. Today, most children have their own digital footprint, whether we like it or not.”

Taking a cue from ‘sharenting’

Statistically, more than 80% of children are said to have an online presence by the age of two — long before they are school-aged. In a world of ‘sharenting’ the average parent shares almost 1,500 images of their child online before their fifth birthday.

Chef Shilarna Vaze unveils the life of her year-old daughter, Zanskar Stella Perrin on her public social media account. When asked about the concerns over risks she says, “People are getting paranoid about social media these days, but it’s insignificant when you consider the larger picture of the safety of children from offline predators in India.”

That may not be true. In 2015, the Sydney Morning Herald reported that half of the 45 million images found on some pedophile image-sharing sites were innocent photos of children — kids on holiday, doing homework or opening Christmas presents — originally posted on social media and family blogs, according to an Australian Children’s eSafety Commissioner. “Within 10 days of being uploaded, the content had been viewed 1.7 million times and comments had been posted that explicitly sexualized the material,” said the Commissioner.

In the same Herald piece, cyber-safety expert Susan McLean said, “It does not matter how innocent the photo is, if your child has got what a predator is looking for, they will take that photo.” European police have begun posting Facebook warnings against the dangers of sharenting: The background of a child’s photo — the visible street signs, shopfronts and school logos — act as digital breadcrumbs that lead to an easily-accessible, real-world entry point into that child’s life for would-be predators.

Blogger Nidhi Mundhra blurs the face of her daughter, Aranya, on public platforms, but frequently posts about her freely on private social media accounts. She says, “I avoid putting details or clues about her school or our address. I haven’t objected to some classes putting her picture as they don’t have lots of followers.”

But privacy settings don’t guarantee control. Facebook and other related sites can share users’ personal data with advertisers — data that could include, say, the type of toy a child is playing with in a photo — while as of July 2015, Instagram’s policy retains full rights to all photos users post.

Whose decision is it?

Which leads to concerns about privacy, not just safety — concerns that relate to “identity theft (privacy risks), digital harvesting of kids’ images on predator sites (cyber-safety risks), sharing personal information about your child that should remain private (psychosocial risks), and revealing embarrassing information that may be misappropriated by others (psychological risks),” Kirsty Goodwin, researcher and author of Raising Your Child in a Digital World, wrote on her blog last year.

Today, children have a digital imprint when they are barely out of the womb. “As children’s-rights advocates, we believe that children should have a voice about what information is shared about them if possible,” says Stacey Steinberg, a legal skills professor at the University of Florida Levin College of Law, in American multimedia news site, NPR.

Mundhra doesn’t believe her 6-year-old is ready to make decisions about platforms she doesn’t understand. She says, “As I don’t show her face on the public page, I don’t see why she would mind. On my private page, I don’t ask her, but she does seem annoyed when people tell her they saw her diving or cooking on Instagram.”

In the end, it may be neither schools nor parents that decide how freely children’s photos should be shared, but technology. Facial recognition technology is becoming advanced — Facebook already has this in place with the contentious DeepFace. In the future, a photo online may act as a digital password. Would you share your passwords as freely as you do — and allow others to — your child’s photos and identity? And which one should be protected the most?

Why Are School Uniforms Still Gendered?

15 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in Features & Trends, Parenting, Publication: The Swaddle

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Published on The Swaddle: May 14, 2018

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Recently, the Children’s Academy — which runs three private schools in Mumbai — determined through a student poll that its new uniforms will be gender neutral. While an overwhelming majority of students chose T-shirts, 58% of the 1100 girls who participated opted for trousers over skirts, citing comfort as a big factor. The new uniforms will be implemented at Children’s Academy schools in the upcoming academic year.

This decision towards gender neutrality comes as one of many, as schools across the globe adapt to increasingly inclusive attitudes. Last September, The Daily Mail reported that 150 schools in the UK would be introducing gender-neutral uniforms, where children of any gender were allowed to wear either a skirt or trousers. Last month, Fiordland College in Te Anau, New Zealand agreed to gender-neutral uniforms, where the girls will be allowed to wear pants and the boys will be allowed to wear dresses, as per their choice.

Such changes are the result of a growing resistance to gender stereotypes from both students and parents. At a basic level, schools are paying attention to the need to provide young children with the comfort of moving around safely, and without restriction. Although widespread gender neutral uniforms are a step in the right direction, ultimately, India needs to move towards the global trend of letting students choose whether they want to wear skirts, dresses, or trousers.

“As a girl in Indian society, I have grown up in an environment that has often restricted my clothing choices in terms of ‘what to wear’ or ‘when to wear,’” says 17-year-old Tamanna Sheth, who attends BD Somani International School (BDSIS). “I strongly believe in gender-neutral uniforms as I support the idea of comfort over appearance. Besides, they may also make one feel more confident.”

While urban Indian parents may be less resistant to change these days, radically different points of view exist among them. For many parents, gender-neutral uniforms are not on their radar. If they are, they may weigh in but not be a deal breaker when parents are picking a school.

Esha Pandya Choksi, mother of a two-year-old girl, strongly believes that differentiating between clothing from an early age adds to the pool of social factors that foster gender inequality. “At an age when children form ideas, clothing sets the stage about what girls and boys can or cannot do,” she says. “While clothing is not a direct counter to society’s stereotypes, it is a small step towards making a statement.”

Akanksha Shah, mother of two girls, aged seven and four, the older of whom attends Mumbai’s Cathedral and John Connon School, prefers dress to be an obvious differentiator. “They (skirts) are feminine and graceful; they complement the body structure of girls better,” she says.

Mumbai-based fashion designer and mother of a girl and a boy aged five and seven respectively, Anjali Patel-Mehta, is strongly in favour of gender-neutral uniforms. She suggests that a traditional Indian form of dress may actually make for a progressive uniform. “The kurta is universal, entirely gender neutral and authentic to India, while tunic and pants still lean towards a gender,” she says. However, she’s cautious of the implementation challenges — for example, resistance from the girls themselves, like those who struggle with body issues. She believes letting kids choose what to wear for themselves might be the best solution. “Going androgynous or unisex isn’t ideal: eventually, it should be a social choice, rather than attempting to force fit someone into a gender-neutral role,” says Patel-Mehta.

While giving children a choice in what to wear might have its own challenges — a child making a non-traditional choice may face peer pressure and ridicule — it will create a foundation for long-term societal acceptance.

The Mumbai-based Waldorf schools like Tridha, Inodai and The Golden Spiral, with the Rudolf Steiner education system, offer simple colourful cotton kurta tops paired with bottoms of their choice. “Our uniforms are practical and frugal — designed more to be comfortable in our climatic conditions and allowing freedom of movement during play,” says Tasneem Quettawala, co-founder and pre-primary coordinator of The Golden Spiral School.

South Mumbai-based IB schools like Bombay International School (BIS) and BDSIS have gender-neutral uniforms, save for their formal uniforms — worn once a week at BIS and worn optionally at BDSIS. These are in the form of a “skort” for girls, which is a pair of shorts with a front flap, giving the impression of a skirt. Anjali Karpe, deputy head of BIS, says the gender-neutral sports (PE) uniform, which comprises shorts and a tee for all children, is worn on most days and has been around for 25 years, even when it wasn’t the norm for all schools. “It is high time we went for gender-neutral uniforms — there is a distinct change in the perception of what is considered ‘feminine,’” Karpe says. “It is an archaic notion of dressing girls in skirts.”

And yet, while BIS derives comfort from the neutrality of their most commonly worn PE uniforms, Karpe reflects on the challenges of making a school-wide change, as the uniform is an important part of a school’s branding. “It needs to be an informed choice at a student-body level,” says Karpe. “Personal opinion cannot drive school leadership, and it would involve multiple stakeholders.”

The Children’s Academy method of polling its students is a good example of how to drive such change in a fair and egalitarian manner. Their schools will make the new uniforms optional within the first year of the change, taking into consideration parents who have already invested in the old uniforms; the new uniforms will become mandatory from the subsequent academic year.

At schools with less progressive ethoses, the student body may not lean towards gender-neutral uniforms with the same kind of majority. Government schools in India, however, have shown that they’re not resistant to change if it benefits their students. Last year, the Uttar Pradesh government announced that it would be changing the color of its public school uniforms from khaki to bright red and brown, in an effort to ensure that students wouldn’t feel like they were in any way inferior to their counterparts in private institutions. It’s not inconceivable that, down the line, they, too, will feel the need to adopt gender-neutral uniforms, if more private schools begin to do so, and seeing that the gender-neutral kurta already exists as a part of the social fabric.

Schools have been clinging to their uniforms for decades at a stretch, in the name of tradition and school identity. Uniforms have often been designed before the current management can recall, and have not come under review or updated since. They’re unlikely to be high on the list of priorities for most schools. But some schools have begun to lay the groundwork by listening closely to their students. It will be a slow process — stumbling blocks include tradition, deep conditioning, and stigma — but as institutions begin to pay more attention to what is best for their students, positive change will follow.

Father of the Child: Imran Khan & Tusshar Kapoor

28 Wednesday Dec 2016

Posted by in Features & Trends, Interviews (All), Interviews: Cinema, Publication: Verve Magazine

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Published: Verve Magazine, December 2016
Image credit: Ryan Martis

These two young dads from the Indian film industry exemplify the changing attitude towards child-rearing

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The gentleman of today is exactly that. Ready to accept that raising a family is a joint responsibility, a far cry from the Indian men of a previous generation who believed in the division of responsibilities: earning was a male domain, while taking care of the home and kids was restricted to women. Taking this a step further, what happens when a man decides to become a father without a woman? Two young dads from an industry that celebrates showbiz show us that they are as real as they come and all about changing the name of the parenting game, albeit in two diametrically different ways.

We’ve watched Imran Khan take a leap into parenting in much the same way that he made a foray into cinema — suddenly, without warning, and quickly reaching superstardom. His focused and balanced nature held him in good stead, and we see that in his role as a parent. During his first ever photoshoot with his daughter, we discover that Imran has Imara’s baby footprint tattooed on his chest — a sign of an endearing and permanent love. He may be a man besotted, but he is also hands-on about life, not one to watch as things happen around him.

Tusshar Kapoor has bitten the parenting bullet with single-minded predetermination, and six months into it (before which, he preferred to avoid Laksshya facing the camera), he’s finding his ground. It has made him an example for a generation that strives to juggle choices — whether in a partner, career or life. Perhaps Jane Austen hadn’t prepared for this eventuality. Can a single man in possession of good fortune, be in want of a wife? Or would he prefer IVF-led-surrogacy into single parenthood instead?

Let the men do the talking, we say.

What made you decide to take the plunge?
Imran: It was completely accidental. It was one of those extremely hectic nights. I won’t go into any further detail, but next thing you know, three weeks later, Avantika (Malik, married since 2011) is in the bathroom throwing up and I’m making jokes like, ‘Haha, what if you’re pregnant?’ Two hours later, I wasn’t laughing anymore.

Tusshar: The best things in life just happen. I was considering becoming a father; marriage didn’t seem to be on the cards and I was nearing 40. I had a faint idea of becoming a single parent through surrogacy — maybe through IVF. It just didn’t seem very possible in India. Then I happened to have a chat with director Prakash Jha, and he introduced me to a family that had done it. Things fell into place, and it was wonderful that a year later, I had a child in my arms.

You’re likely to go in with a romantic notion of being a dad — was it all that you imagined?
Tusshar: I was a bit anxious at times, especially on the day of the delivery. The entire family stayed up all night. All the ‘Still a few days more’ just went out the window. But thereafter, I was quite prepared, with the nursery, with help. My biggest concern was losing out on life while wanting to be a hands-on dad. I asked my friends, ‘Can I go out? Will I be able to…?’ And nothing changes. You just have to manage your time well.

Imran: I didn’t know what to expect because, as I said, we had stumbled into it. Suddenly, she was pregnant. Suddenly, the baby has come. And I felt like it snowballed really quickly, and those first couple of months, we were both at a complete loss; we had a really rough time. Even though Imara from, like, day two or three would tend to sleep through the night, we’d be up in the night wondering, ‘Is she breathing? Is she suffocating?’ Both of us were nervous wrecks. It took us five or six months to really settle down and stop being so panicky. That was when I first started to really feel that, ‘Oh my god, I’ve lost my heart to this girl.’ And now I know what that mad parental love is.

 

What is that one moment in their lives that you’re waiting for?
Tusshar: I don’t want to miss watching him go to school and picking him up. My parents (actor Jeetendra and Shobha Kapoor) were never there to do that. I mean, they came for PTA meetings and my mom used to drop me off, watch me go to my class, crying. I don’t know if my dad remembered my birth date at that point in time, even though he remembered to wish me. The parents of the ’70s and ’80s (at least in my case) had their own issues. Working, trying to make a life for us. I want to be there for my child. I’ll dot the i’s and cross the t’s.

Imran: It’s a nightmare, haan. Every time I drop Imara to playschool, it’s ‘Papa, don’t go’. You’ll die on the spot because your baby is weeping and you have to leave her. I sit on the steps outside, listening to her cry, thinking, ‘Oh god, I’m a bad father. What am I doing?’

To answer your question, what I am looking forward to the most is the point when she will come and tell me things and make me laugh with her words, with wit — I think that’ll be something that will really make me proud.

Will you change anything in your parenting style from the way you’ve been brought up?
Imran: I love my mother (producer, director and screenwriter, Nasir Hussain’s daughter, Nuzhat Khan) and my mother loves me perhaps a little bit too much — so, I think throughout my life, she was a little over indulgent. That is why I have these notions that I want everything to be exactly the way I want it. This is not an ideal situation, so I would try to love my child a little bit less than my mother loved me.

Is there anxiety about missing key milestones with the nature of your work?
Imran: I was shooting a film from the time Imara was four to eight months old. I was a little nervous about not being there for big moments like if she were to say a word…. I would see her in the morning before I left, for a few minutes. And then the second I returned, I would spend time with her till she went to sleep. Avantika would come on set all the time with her. Luckily, I was there when she took her first steps. I consciously made an effort to not take on work when I knew that that was ‘baby Imara time’. For the past year, I have not shot for any movie. I have been home, with the baby. I’ve been travelling with her and I’ve been there for every major moment.

Tusshar: I’m a little anxious about what’s going to happen next month, when I start shooting. I hope it doesn’t really change things from what I’m doing now and what I’ll have to do then. The shoot, fortunately, is in Mumbai, so I will not be disconnected from my child completely. I’ll try to meet him before I leave home. If he’s sleeping after I’m back home, I’ll miss spending the evening with him; unfortunately there will be some moments that I’ll have to sacrifice. If you are worried you’re not going to be with your child, I think the child also senses that. If a parent is away, but trying their best to make it work, the child understands that and connects with that. And that’s love.

What’s the one thing you enjoy the most about being a father?
Imran: It’s the first time I’ve had the experience of wanting to spend time with someone — and not caring about other things. If the phone is ringing, you let it ring. If you’re late for something, you’re late — it doesn’t matter. If you’re hungry, you eat later. It just doesn’t matter. I also had that fear of my life coming to a standstill because I like to go places and do things. You’ll have a choice between spending time with your child or going somewhere else. And you’ll feel like you’d rather be with her because it’s more fun. It’s not a difficult choice. You’re not giving up anything.

Tusshar: It makes you very selfless. It calms you down, it’s very therapeutic. In a city like Mumbai, we’re clouded with issues and career ups and downs. I haven’t shot for a film at all this year. But, thank god. Since the baby’s come, I feel like I want to be at home with him, I want to spend time with him. And that’s the best part of being a parent — the maturity that comes with it. You rise above petty things that make you anxious. I think my child has taught me what fun it is to be on a playmat! I see his expression change and stop worrying about my work or about who’s inviting and not inviting me to some function or even about who’s calling or not calling back.

Tusshar, if your child asks, ‘Where is mom?’ what would your answer be?
Tusshar: I’m going to have to be very honest with Laksshya about him not having a mom. I’ll have to tell him exactly how and why he came into this world, so that he knows that he is a child born out of love and that I wouldn’t have been happy without him in my life — that he’s my everything. I will try and compensate and be what two parents can be to a child. It is just love that will make things work out.

So who fills the gap of a female figure?
Tusshar: The female energy at home comes from my sister (television and film producer Ekta Kapoor) and mother. I won’t be lying to Laksshya, telling him that his grandmother is like his mom. I don’t want to confuse him with that ideology. My mother has waited a long time for a grandchild. She gets to do so many things all over again, 40 years later. A large part of why I had this child is because my parents were going through a phase of depression; any parent would want to become a grandparent someday, so this is their dream come true. We feel like a very normal — and, I hope, happy — family, one where there’s enough attention from me as a father and enough female energy from my mother and sister even though there is no mother.

Imran, Imara’s obviously got you wrapped around her finger. Who’s the disciplinarian?
Imran: Avantika’s always on my case about not being a good disciplinarian. I can’t say no to Imara for anything. Whatever she wants, I feel like I have no choice but to give it to her. It’s not ideal, but I’m working on it.

Tusshar: That’s something I feel strongly about — I would hate to have a brat as a child. I’m going to be careful about not spoiling Laksshya, but my parents, bua, my sister and the nanny are always going to spoil him. Which is why it’s important that we (the parents) be the balancing factors. And the sooner, the better.

Imran: Yes, I will start today. Today, I am going to start disciplining!

Who do you guys go to for parenting advice?
Imran: I’ve never asked anyone for parenting advice — not my mom, dad, or Avantika’s mom. I’ve never read any of those parenting books. Maybe I’m missing out on something, I don’t know, but I feel like Avantika and I just kind of figured it out between the two of us. You find your own rhythm.

Tusshar: I didn’t read any books or take any advice from anybody. But the people who’ve done surrogacy before — the family who took me to Dr Firuza Parikh — they helped me set up the nursery before the baby arrived and to deal with things like finding day and night nurses for Laksshya. For day-to-day questions, I got help from my mom and friends.

Who’s the one reading stories at bedtime?
Imran: Anything that is play-related, I’m the one. Building things with Lego, reading books, telling stories — that’s where I’m always first to jump in, saying, ‘Haan, don’t worry, baby, I’ll take care of it.’

Tusshar: Bedtime stories haven’t started for me. I sing loris to put him to sleep. I have some old Hindi songs that I just hum — and he loves it. If I stop humming, he starts crying.

How many diapers have you two changed? Of course, Imran, you’ve had more years to change them.
Imran: Yes. That being said, I’ve probably changed fewer diapers than Avantika has. My trick is this — you change diapers when people come over to visit. Then everyone thinks, ‘Look, this guy’s an amazing hands-on father.’ After that, I can hand it over to Avantika or the nanny.

Tusshar: I don’t know why everyone thinks that diaper-changing is it and why it stands for being a hands-on father. It’s the easiest thing to do. There are tons of other things. Do you know how to poop your baby on a flight? Do you know how to feed your baby? Do you know how to put your baby to sleep? These are my fears.

Imran: I’ve noticed you’re not answering how many diapers you’ve changed.

Tusshar: I’ve changed — to prove to myself — three or four diapers.

Dads today are breaking the stereotype of the Indian father. What do you think has led to this change?
Imran: Part of it just has to do with globalisation. We are now more exposed to international culture, with the way that it is in the US, UK, and Europe.

Tusshar: It’s not like somebody wrote a book about good parenting which everyone read and, therefore, the next generation turned out to be much cooler, better parents! I think my son is going to have some issues with my parenting, even though I’m doing my best. It’s a learning process: what you go through as a child, what you’ve seen your parents do for you and what you feel was left out. Then you make those changes; it’s a natural progression. Society changes, parents change, family settings change, and that’s what evolution is all about.